By Dalton Lee, Baldwin Wallace ’11
This piece is taken from the Spring 2024 Laurel, to read the full issue click here.
Suck it up.
Rub some dirt in it.
Boys don’t cry.
These are words that countless children around the world have heard time and time again—more commonly spoken to adolescent boys and young men. They’re seemingly harmless and are often used as a remedy for a scraped knee or some insignificant bruise, yet the message has a staying power that could last a lifetime. As boys grow into men, so to grows the strong, silent mythology; literature, film, television, and all forms of media work to reinforce the belief that “real men” bury their emotions down deep and bully their way through all that life can conjure up—boys don’t cry. Being strong, no matter how hard, is not only your right as a male, but your responsibility. Slowly the basics of navigating the struggles and hardships of life seem foreign, and access to them feels impossible. Asking for help, admitting “weaknesses” as common as grief, crying from any type of pain has been unlearned and systematically buried by an environment which only has time for the strong. These strains plague men of all ages, demographics, economic and social statuses, but often we only know following the most dyer of circumstances. In a year of staggering loss within our fraternity and on college campuses across the country, these issues are as prevalent as they’ve always been. Breaking an endless cycle of this magnitude cannot come from a simple article in a magazine, but with the right information and motivation, Phi Tau men can begin to change the culture within our fraternity and throughout their lives. None of this is to say that there is an issue with embracing traditional masculinity. Chopping wood, donning a finely pressed suit, and fixing a car are some of the most enjoyable experiences a person can have when embracing traditional masculinity, but the challenge is separating the enjoyable traditions from the harmful ones.
To the untrained eye, it would appear that men suffer from depression, anxiety, and other mental health disorders far less than women—women are nearly twice as likely to be diagnosed with depression and anxiety. However, the horrifying truth is that only 25% of men are likely to seek help for depression, anxiety, and other mental health disorders. A result of this inability to seek aid is that over 75% of the deaths by suicide in 2022 and 2023 were by men, and nearly all of those deaths were white men. With this being the primary demographic of our fraternity, it’s of the utmost importance that this knowledge is readily available to our membership. Along with depression and anxiety, men are at a higher risk for attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), which can be particularly challenging for an undiagnosed college student. The pressure and rigorous schedule of college aged individuals can be a stressful experience, and the presence of an undiagnosed mental health disorder does not simply exacerbate the situation but can be alienating and isolating for the individual facing it. Outside of the strenuous schedules that college students face, there also tends to be the consumption of alcohol and drugs on a regular basis. Following the highs of social events—which invite the consumption of these—the depressant effects of alcohol and mind-altering substances can affect an individual's mental health for many days and weeks to come.
To some of you, the facts and figures of the information presented may be nothing new. It’s information often provided by campus health professionals, doctors, therapists, and countless others—typically paired with warning signs for depression, anxiety, and for someone at risk of self-harm. This is crucial information for any individual to know, but what is too-regularly overlooked are the steps to take prior to the most extreme circumstances. In joining this fraternity, you are engrained with the idea of being your brother's keeper. It’s a vow that you undertake and is one of the most important responsibilities of every Phi Tau man. With this vow comes the opportunity to shift the culture within your chapter and our fraternity as a whole. Being your brother’s keeper can’t be boiled down to simply being there when you’re most needed—although that is a crucial part—it is about creating a culture in which brothers feel they can be open, honest, and vulnerable. This type of culture starts with the self, and the ability to lead by example. In building and leading a chapter, no one has more sway on the culture created than you. Creating an honest and vulnerable environment, in which, there’s less shame and hesitation to share feelings, to ask for help, and to connect with others, is the first step to mitigating many of the mental health issue facing men of all ages. For Chi chapter President, James Ceribelli, North Carolina State '22, and Mental Health Chair, Reid Hernandez, North Carolina State '21, creating an open and vulnerable environment is of the utmost importance. In his position, Hernandez has appointed one member from each semester’s associate class to serve as a contact for brothers in need of an outlet to talk and shares information and resources for brothers at each chapter meeting. Preemptive steps like those taken by Chi chapter are the benchmark for all who truly wish to be their brother's keeper. Fellow brothers are not the only resource available to undergraduate students. In speaking with Tim Popma, Central Michigan '05, a certified LLPC and Assistant Director of CMU Cares, he believes it crucial that every student be aware of the counseling centers and resources available on their campus. Counseling centers frequently offer sessions at a reduced cost and can help guide students to finding professional help.
In a perfect world, the ability to create an environment that mitigates these issues before they arise would be all that is needed, however that is far from the reality. Recognizing the signs of depression, anxiety, or severe mental health crises can aid in getting a brother, family member, or friend the care they need. The most common red flags are anger, irritability, or aggressiveness; noticeable changes in mood, energy level, or appetite; misuse of alcohol and/or drugs; physical symptoms, such as headaches, digestive problems, and pain; escapist behavior, such as spending a lot of time on work; and having difficulty sleeping or sleep too much. Not all of these signs are universal, and they’re not only for recognition in others. Accepting and recognizing these signs in yourself is the first step in getting needed help. Overcoming the nurtured belief that men should be strong enough to handle their own problems and resolve any issue without help is the second step on a path to grasping the enormous weight a disease like depression can have on you. Being your brother’s keeper and looking out for the ones you hold most dear must work in tandem with caring for yourself. Self-realization is vastly more challenging than recognizing a sign of something wrong in others; it requires an acceptance and awareness of the issue, and the strength to ask for help.
For Phi Kappa Tau, renewing the focus on mental health is paramount to the well-being of our brotherhood. From the brothers of Chi chapter to National President, Mike McCrum, Texas State ’75, and CEO Matt Arnold, the ability to provide resources and information to our brotherhood has become a top priority. President McCrum has established a Mental Health committee, which although is still in the planning stage, has already begun to establish transformational resources for our undergraduate brotherhood. The Mental Health committee will be spearheaded by Tim Popma, who has been working with undergraduate students for over four years and strives to bring the type of care provided at CMU to our entire undergraduate brotherhood. Along with the committee, Phi Kappa Tau has launched our free 24/7 365 Crisis Text Line available to all of our brothers, not just undergraduates. This resource can be used for anything from finals stress to relationship problems to severe mental health crises. Phi Tau is paving the way for other greek organizations to provide the same type of care to their membership. If you’re in need of someone to speak to, in need of immediate care, or are in the midst of a struggle that seems insurmountable, text PHITAU to 741741.
A fraternity in its most ideal and realized state could act as the perfect environment for men to share with each other, be open and honest about their feelings, and have no fear of being vulnerable with their brothers, but that is not always the case. Due to a number of factors—socialization, the presences of alcohol and drugs, pressures of a rigorous schedule—fraternities can sometimes act to the antithesis of the brother’s keeper mentality. Even when the brotherhood is firm in all the positive attributes listed throughout this piece, someone who is experiencing severe mental health issues will require professional help to overcome them, and it is the responsibility of us all to encourage them to seek the help needed and to provide resources for that care. Phi Tau men of all ages must make it their personal missions to be their brother’s keeper by not only acting as pillar of compassion and understanding for others, but as a beacon of honesty and vulnerability in themselves. When this example is set and the culture begins to shift, brothers can focus on staying educated, informed, and aware—no longer only acting in reaction to issues, but preemptively caring for and helping others. Through generations of socialization, the idea that boys don’t cry has acted as a conduit for mental health issues to fester and grow, but it has far outstayed its welcome. While it's nearly impossible to enact lasting change across the globe, it is possible to change acceptance within yourself, the dynamic of friendships, the culture of a chapter, and the mentality of Phi Kappa Tau.
This piece would not be possible without the insight of Brother Tim Popma, the contributions of the Chi chapter, and the initiatives undertaken by our fraternity’s leadership. All statistics were drawn from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention and the American Psychological Association.